She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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