Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
