Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
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