Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
