its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
