Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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