on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
