Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
