Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
