Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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