how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
