1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
