I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
