Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
