Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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