We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
