I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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