I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
