i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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