right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
