I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
