The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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