how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
