I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
