I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
