I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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