Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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