he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
