More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
