Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
