I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
