Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
