Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
