I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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