how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i think i have two assholes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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