I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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