That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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