I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
