I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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