one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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