did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
