I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
