I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
