instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
