i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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