i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
