Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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