i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
