I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
