So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
