I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
