I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
