the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
