I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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